We might use the phrase ‘pre-cabeceo’ for the actions that lead up to and prepare for the cabeceo.
Crafting your desire ought to be part of your tango training, and personal expression.
The expression of desire is known as “the mirada”. It’s often understood to be the Revel (follower’s) part of the cabeceo. She lures a Mark (leader) by how she looks at him. In fact the mirada is better understood as the expression of desire by dancers of both roles.
As I wrote years ago in a post called The Power of Desire, dancers at a milonga should identify a short list of people they’d like to dance with. In order for your prospective partners to feel your desire, you need to focus your desire. You can’t lure “anyone” or “everyone”. I usually choose two or three targets. Choose, by any criteria you want. The look on their face when they dance, their clothing, the amount of muscle they seem to be using while dancing…
How to show your desire?
- Maintain longer than normal eye contact and smile when passing one another off the dance floor.
- Watch them dancing. They will realize this and be flattered.
- Look at them even when you can’t catch their eye. For example while they are chatting with others. It’s ok if their back is turned to you, they will feel you.
The other night I was aiming my desire at a new dance partner. I was attentive to his whereabouts, and gave warm eye contact twice as we passed one another. I also looked at him while we were both conversing with others and once while he was dancing.
About an hour later, I was watching the dance floor and he appeared at my side, inclining his head. This was a little too close and obvious for a proper cabeceo, but it didn’t have to be because the mirada had done its work. It was thrilling to open this space with tiny communications! As I’ve written, the cabeceo itself is a pleasure, independent of the dance that follows.
People like to feel your desire just as much as they dislike to feel a demand. In other words, the same person who would really like to be able to say “no” when you ask them verbally, might respond positively to a well-crafted expression of desire.
The verbal mirada
The cabeceo and mirada work just fine for gender-benders (male Revels, female Marks, and Revels of either gender who like to dance with female Marks) once they are known. When people don’t know you, or at a big event, the verbal pre-cabeceo means to approach people you’d like to dance with and give them the information that you would like an invitation.
It’s best to do this in a situation that can’t be confused with a demand. Approach your target while they are obviously busy with something, for example at the bar. Be careful to {1} phrase your interaction as information, not a request. Keep it short and sweet. After delivering the information, retreat to make it extra clear you are not asking them to dance right now. {2} be desirous and flattering, rather than just logistical. For example, women often approach me and say “so, you lead, right?” When I confirm, they tell me they’d like to dance with me. I would be much more attracted to inviting them if they said “I’ve watched you dance and I really like your leading.”
The verbal mirada can also be used by non-gender-benders, following all the rules above. A woman-Revel whose mirada seems not to be reaching a certain guy might say while passing him at the bar “Hey, I would really love to dance with you some day.” Say it light and sweet and keep moving, so he doesn’t feel any pressure. If you can come up with anything flattering to show you’ve been paying attention to their dance, they will be extra interested. “You do this thing, I don’t know what it’s called, but it looks so beautiful when you do it.”
One case of Anyone, Everyone
If you are a dancer who wants more dances with new partners you need to amplify your mirada.
Consider arriving at a milonga. Your mirada starts 25m before you arrive to the front door, and you give it to everyone. As you meet other dancers on the sidewalk, in the doorway, at the payment desk, moving toward a table, this is an opportunity for close-range flashing eyes and sweet smiles at everyone you pass.
Don’t be a mercenary focused solely on your target gender. Your activity of sweetness and warmth toward all persons will create an impression beyond those directly in your path.
